Wow! I haven't updated for ages and the whole xanga new weblog things changed. I really like the new one...It's sooo cool~ You can add little symbols to it ♥ soo pretty. Anyway I haven't updated for long because I was too busy. Things were happening...things I didn't want to happen has happened. Samantha Chan and Edwin U has officially broken up and will never be together again because of things. Although I love him lots and miss him lots, I cannot control him dumping me (T.T) Everyday since the day me and him was going out, I have been crying, the first two weeks is because we always argue and stuff but then the last week was because of some silly things about him being jealous of CG and TJ. He dumped me because...(I also want to know the real reason)...but he dumped me right after I went up London without telling him and his kai mui told him I was in London. I was going to tell him I went up London when I see him online that night, but he doesn't believe me. He thought I was avoiding him, which I wasn't. I hate him for dumping me because of stupid reasons, I hate him for being jealous of his BOY friends talking to me, I hate him for not letting me communicate with boys as much as I use to, I hate him for everything he has done, but down in my heart I know I still love him. Some people might know I was going out with Eugene right after Edwin but I'm not with him anymore, why? Because I can't stop thinking about Edwin. Amay hates me right now because she got heartbroken aswell because her X-bf is going out with my friend, and I hurt her kai gor's feelings, and I was going out with the guy she fancys. I'm real sorry Amay but I really didn't mean to. Now I'm not with him, hope your happy. How come wherever I go...whatever I do is always wrong? I don't understand...why am I so bad? I really want to sort it out, but there isn't a way to sort it out unless I die. I don't want to end my life because I know there are plenty more things out there I haven't even experienced yet, but I want to escape this kind've life. I absolutely hate it...my family...my love...my education is going down. Edwin sent me a song by Justin Timberlake - Never Again ... this song is really good. Whenever I listen to it, I will feel bad. I really do miss and love Edwin, but it's too late now, we're over. I'm really sorry everyone, I think there was a mistake when I was born. Anyway off with the unhappy things, here are some pictures from Miranda's camera from erm...well...before my hair was dyed...obviously. And my two best drawings.
Sorry for writing so much and it's pretty boring for all of you. Oh and here is my autobiography. Some of it is fake ie the office lady and my dad as a big man, infact all the stuff about the office lady is fake but only big man bit about my dad is wrong. Hope you like it and know more about my life so no more questioning of my life.
Thinking back to when I was merely eight years old, alone, in the hallway staring up the staircase of the old house. I distinctly remember the smell of tobacco swarming around the dining room, choking me. I stood still¡Kwatching¡Kwatching as my father wrestled with my mother in the distant, arguing over something that I never wanted to believe, divorce.
My father was four years younger than my mother. Living in Woking was a totally new experience compared with my previous life in Hong Kong. Making friends was proving difficult and fitting in was even worse. I felt extremely tense at school where the other pupils would give me strange stares as if I had brought with me a disease. They shifted to one side when I walked in.When I walked home, I found paper being hurled at me. I searched deeply for a reason as to why they did this to me¡KI found myself thinking that all new students would experience this traumatic period and that I was not alone.
At home, I would be greeted with the sound of a loud television. Normally, I would just run upstairs covering my ears, trying to get away from everything. Sometimes I hid in the cupboard, almost wanting my parents to find me in order to show the love and affection I so deserved; like any other child. However, when the time came for when they did look for me, it was neither for love nor the affection¡Kit was for a beating.
The eternal darkness always seemed like a tunnel. I soon realised that my life was heading only in one direction and that I had to act in order to change my fate. I did not want to remain the same old Samantha Chan; always depressed, always crying¡Kalways desperately in search for attention.At night the dreams felt like deep labyrinths where I had to find my way out¡Kseek my own future, and define myself to show my parents what I am worth and make them regret what they have done to me.
Up until this point I was deeply depressed and had absolutely nobody to turn to. But then the light entered my life when one lunchtime, at school, I pulled a muscle in my leg. My friends helped picked me up and I struggled to crawl towards the medical room where I saw the woman who enlightened my life. She tendered to my wound and asked me how it happened. I gave no reply. I leant on her shoulder and cried for what felt like hours before I found myself awake and lying on a couch in a special room at school.
I soon realised through looking at the photos that the lady had taken me to her private office. As my eyes awoke and adjusted to the setting, the lady came in with a bright sparkly glow and sat beside me; brushing my hair aside. I felt loved for the first time of my life¡K
From that day onwards I would go to the lady¡¦s special room to visit her. Sometimes she came round my house. However, this did not happen very often and I was very embarrassed with my father¡¦s behaviour. He would lounge about the house ignoring any guests and act the ¡§big man¡¨. I hated it. I hated him. I hated him for what he had done to my family. My father was the sole reason why my mother had left us¡Kdeserted us to live with my grandma in Hong Kong. Although I say I hate my father, he is still my father so I do care and love him much.
Throughout those years, I had returned home to find the place in a complete mess. I had gradually matured over the years and managed to gain a sense of responsibility.I did all the housework, such as vacuuming, washing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom etc. Every time I had finished with the household chores I would sit on the bed and relax and doze off into the many dreams I had.
Being fifteen, I always took my relationships with boys quite seriously. I was quite sensitive, but I realised it was quite hard for me to show my love to someone or trust them, simply because of my past experiences with my parents.I was careful in case I was hurt again. Having received no love or affection myself, I always wondered what love was and what it was like to be loved.
Thinking back on those years, I always wondered whether the problem was actually my own. I managed to build up a few strong relationships with my friends who helped and supported me and it was at that time when I felt loved and important. I felt proud of myself that I managed to continue my life with such success. To some people, this may not be ¡§success¡¨ as it is, but to me living through the deep family problems that I have had and still doing well in school, I feel that this is a great achievement in one¡¦s life.
the night before, lookin strangely...
a pic dai sent to me...n took for me~.~ haha
a pic ke(l)vin took for me
another mo liu pic cola took 4 moi
~ but dis time i uploaded da pix maself instead of askin jacky to do so...
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lately i cnt sleep and i cnt concentrate...hvnt been in school all week apart from monday...=.=...i kno its bad but i jst cnt make it to sch...as most of u guyz shud kno y...my life is so screwed
